8:30pm. I just ate a wrap that lacked protein because no, we did not go grocery shopping this weekend. Wine will be my protein today, friends. The wild ride that is 2017 has started, and my slow to change self is still fumbling for the soothing pace 2016 declared as its rhythm.
I chose this though. All the changes. I accepted a new position. And then two more for good measure. The sound of student loans coming due have been a haunting crescendo, and the promise of funds is a soft blanket for my financially anxious heart. Because the thing is – I know I’m good at working. In fact, I’m so good at it that I used to never stop. I laughed at limits – 18 credit max? Well, 24 while working fulltime shouldn’t be a problem then. Watch me go.
But I decided that graduate school would be different. It would be better. And it has been. But now it’s my last semester - classes are starting, the syllabi threatening with their bolded exams and papers, and the state wants to know when I’ll be taking that final comprehensive exam allowing me to pick up a few more golden letters behind my name. But in the meantime I’ll fly to Denver to learn how to teach a workout class I love, but then need to study for two months in the aftermath.
All of these things are good. I wanted them. I chose them. But right now in this moment I feel overwhelmed, and off center from my normal place of gentle measured strength. I know by now that this is how beginnings feel especially when they’re all at once.
I want to rush ahead to the ease of I’ve done this a thousand times. Mucking through the beginning feels strenuous there isn’t routine or familiar steps to fall into because my feet are still tripping on their desire to get it right. It’s like dancing without a partner who knows how to lead – you might pull it off, but man that did not look smooth.
I texted a friend today that I was trying hard to be kind to myself, but I wasn’t feeling excessively up to the task. It’s a lot easier to let looming abstract tasks and fears of letting people down to run the show.
If you’re into enneagram, then it probably isn’t a surprise that I’m a type 1. 1w2 to be precise. But my “oneness” is most apparent to me, when I am not at my best. One of the key motivations of a 1 is “to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.” Welp, let’s just call that what it is and say it isn’t possible. Nope, not one bit possible. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that there is at least one other person who needs the reminder that it is good to be human. A bit of advice was given to enneagram one’s from Suzanne Stabile, “In order to have peace you will need to accept that you are good ... really, really good."